WHO AM I

I will be 20 soon. Really soon. Do you know what kind of joke people use to tease me recently? Let me tell you.

Hmm. So irritating, right? Every time I get teased by similar type of joke, I will get angry. I just can't understand why elder people like to bring up that kind of joke to young-unmarried-people. 

Not long ago when I received that joke and reply with an argument "How can I get married while still having not enough money to raise my children?", my dad gave an advice which made me rethink my own thought,

Wah, that blew my mind at that time. But wait, I have read so much till now that I must not give up my principle easily, right?

Getting married with someone means I have, not only a new man to live with, but also a new big family. It's about uniting two families into one. Being a family means I need to be kind to them, help them when they need, and more. Right now, I don't think I am ready to embrace and love so many people at once. 

If that thought is too far, let's go back some steps. Getting married means I will have new parents I should love and take care like my own parents. When they are sick or need something, I also need to be ready anytime just like I treat my own parents. When they're getting older, I need to love them sincerely, no matter how they will act in their old days. I admit that I am still not a filial daughter yet. I sometimes raise my voice when I'm in a bad mood and need to talk with my parents. How can I face that situation? :(

Doesn't mean that I am unwilling to get married. I'm just... not ready yet. I'm still awkward with kids. My little cousin even like my sister more than myself.

Hello! In this blog post I would like to introduce myself as the first child in my family, as well as my parents' first daughter. As their first child, I've never felt pressured to become a perfect role model for my siblings. Nonetheless, since I was in elementary school, mom pushes me to study diligently. She reminds me over and over again that it would be a great deal if I struggle now and maintain a good score for every exam and assignment so that I can get into a top school easily rather than regretting my lazy days later and struggling hard to find the school that suits my score.

Fortunately, I managed to get into a top school since junior high to university. I don't even really remember now how my days were so that I could achieve those. But I do remember that when I enter junior high school, I cried a lot on my first days. I thank Allah a lot because I can successfully pass those hard days.

Okay, back to the topic. I just realized that if I achieve high my siblings will try to achieve as high as me. But if I am lazy, they will have no great role model so they will have a possibility to be lazy too. And that thought gives me a pressure now. I need to become the best version of myself so that my bro and sis have high dreams and can achieve more, even surpass me far.

But I don't think I can. So sad :(