WHO AM I

Sungguh, sebagai manusia biasa, aku masih kerap terbuai oleh gemerlapnya prestasi dunia. Ingin mencoba kesempatan ini itu, tetapi masih enggan memikirkan dan merencanakan hal-hal yang seharusnya sudah dipertimbangkan di usiaku sekarang. Masih ingin mengeksplorasi kemampuan diri, atau mungkin istilah yang tepat adalah... aktualisasi diri? Tapi kalo dipikir-pikir lagi, sebenarnya mau ngapain juga sih ambisius meraih mimpi? Lho, tapi kan bagus, punya ilmu yang bermanfaat jadi bisa bantu banyak orang? Tapi jadinya... tentu saja ada hal-hal yang perlu mau tidak mau dikorbankan 😭

It just feels so ...unfamiliar. I used to stick with the no-dating before marriage rule so that... I've been seeing all my male friends as just... friend. Even if I admire someone, I will just immediately put aside that thought and continue to hang out with them normally.

But now, suddenly, after graduation, I frequently get questioned on my marriage plan. I know maybe they were just saying—some are really concerned, some are just kidding. But no one really tell me clearly that it's already time for me to look for potential life-partner. What should I do, what should I think, what should I learn in advance.

I know my end goal is akhirat, the hereafter. I don't know when my time in this dunya will end. I know, the sooner the better. But... is it okay for me to hold that specific ibadah for some years? I haven't learned even the basic knowledge of that ibadah. I don't like the situation where I'm incapable due to my own unreadiness, moreover if I can still put enough effort and time to study and prepare.

It's okay, right, to feel not ready yet in the age when most people have been ready?

I guess, I have to really start learning a lot more knowledge as a grown-up 🥲👍🏻

As a woman, it's not really clear which path is the right one for me. I do believe that I have the potential to start building a career in technology industry. With my brain, I also know that I can pursue the academic world.

But one thing is really bothering me that I still hold my ambition, that I still haven't given my all. I know that my main job as a grown up woman is to become a mom, and therefore I should be a wife of someone first. If I already decided to work somewhere, or keep studying until I become a lecturer, I'm afraid that I will make the thing that should be my priority not become the one.

I know myself. If I want something, then I will try my best to achieve it, even if the result is not as I expect it to be. So if I decide that I want to pursue my career, I'm genuinely afraid that if I have children later, I can't give them my full attention  since I have works to do. Then I will forever blame myself for not being able to be by their side and accompany them most of the time. I will not be able to give the best in monitoring and supporting their growth during childhood. I might also unable to cook nutritious meals for them everyday. Just imagining that has already makes me feel so bad for not being able to be a good mom. It's really breaking my heart. Like...how can I answer later in the Day of Judgment?

If I wanna be a lecturer, then I have to settle in the city where the university I am working is located. I heard that this job is not as packed in terms of working time as if we are working 9 to 5 job. But, if I am too soon on becoming one before getting married, that means I have to look for a husband that is willing to follow me. And I think it's not a really good idea? Besides, I am also still not sure if academic world, especially in Indonesia, is suitable enough to what my aspirations in education is. I often heard the stories from my dad and aunt, they are lecturers. From the stories, I get the impression that it's so far from what I think about. I am afraid that if my idealism is not as what the reality is, I will just be stressful and not enjoying it, while to resign from that job is not easy.

I realize that I will feel at ease, not having a big deal of guilty, if I focus on only one role, either being a fulltime mom or a career woman. And I know, I will choose the first one. But, if I just spend my whole time to take care of the children and the house, I will feel that I'm wasting the intelligence gift from Allah as I know that if I put my effort on it, I can help people. Will I also get questioned later in the hereafter for not using my potential?

I just wanna be a good mom. I know I will like it. But I also want to be a useful person without sacrificing my main job as a mom. Working a full-time job will surely take lots of my time in a day, so it's not quite an option for me... I think? Should I just teach something on my spare time as a mom?

But... I don't know 😔😥 Why to choose a life is really hard? I am afraid of the concequences. I am afraid I am taking the wrong path...