As a woman, it's not really clear which path is the right one for me. I do believe that I have the potential to start building a career in technology industry. With my brain, I also know that I can pursue the academic world.

But one thing is really bothering me that I still hold my ambition, that I still haven't given my all. I know that my main job as a grown up woman is to become a mom, and therefore I should be a wife of someone first. If I already decided to work somewhere, or keep studying until I become a lecturer, I'm afraid that I will make the thing that should be my priority not become the one.

I know myself. If I want something, then I will try my best to achieve it, even if the result is not as I expect it to be. So if I decide that I want to pursue my career, I'm genuinely afraid that if I have children later, I can't give them my full attention  since I have works to do. Then I will forever blame myself for not being able to be by their side and accompany them most of the time. I will not be able to give the best in monitoring and supporting their growth during childhood. I might also unable to cook nutritious meals for them everyday. Just imagining that has already makes me feel so bad for not being able to be a good mom. It's really breaking my heart. Like...how can I answer later in the Day of Judgment?

If I wanna be a lecturer, then I have to settle in the city where the university I am working is located. I heard that this job is not as packed in terms of working time as if we are working 9 to 5 job. But, if I am too soon on becoming one before getting married, that means I have to look for a husband that is willing to follow me. And I think it's not a really good idea? Besides, I am also still not sure if academic world, especially in Indonesia, is suitable enough to what my aspirations in education is. I often heard the stories from my dad and aunt, they are lecturers. From the stories, I get the impression that it's so far from what I think about. I am afraid that if my idealism is not as what the reality is, I will just be stressful and not enjoying it, while to resign from that job is not easy.

I realize that I will feel at ease, not having a big deal of guilty, if I focus on only one role, either being a fulltime mom or a career woman. And I know, I will choose the first one. But, if I just spend my whole time to take care of the children and the house, I will feel that I'm wasting the intelligence gift from Allah as I know that if I put my effort on it, I can help people. Will I also get questioned later in the hereafter for not using my potential?

I just wanna be a good mom. I know I will like it. But I also want to be a useful person without sacrificing my main job as a mom. Working a full-time job will surely take lots of my time in a day, so it's not quite an option for me... I think? Should I just teach something on my spare time as a mom?

But... I don't know 😔😥 Why to choose a life is really hard? I am afraid of the concequences. I am afraid I am taking the wrong path...